Out of the last five times you’ve made love, how many have you initiated, and how many has your husband initiated?
If you say he’s initiated all 5, that could be a problem!
Now, I know sometimes you just start making love because you’re kissing and snuggling, and it’s not clear WHO initiated. It just happened (all the more reason to go to bed at the same time, so that things can “just happen”!). And sometimes he has a really low sex drive, and so the whole initiation pattern is thrown off. I’ve got a series for women in that situation here.
But quite often we get into this rut where he wants sex more than you do, and so he’s the one who always initiates making love. And you’re not even sure how to initiate sex, because you’ve never really done it!
When I was researching my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I did surveys and interviewed both men and women. And here’s what one guy said about initiating sex:
Men don’t want to be placated; they want to be wanted.
Paul Byerly, who writes at the Generous Husband, puts it this way:
For men sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite. I realise this is not usually what women are communicating with sex and saying no, but it is what men feel. Even when you convince a man this is not what she means, he will still feel it.
When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife he starts to want other forms of intimacy. Not tolerate, want. The need was always there, but it is hard to hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy.
So, ladies, it’s time to step up to the plate! But how do you initiate sex?
1. DO Show Enthusiasm
Initiating sex requires enthusiasm. The following do NOT count as initiating sex:
(Lying in bed, arms crossed. Turning head towards him). We can if you wanna.
(Standing at the bottom of the stairs, heading up to bed). I’m heading to bed. If you come up within the next 10 minutes we may still have time, I guess.
(Lying in bed, looking at the ceiling). So, I shaved my legs today.
(Lying in bed, arms crossed). So…I guess we’re due, eh?
(Sorry, that’s the Canadian coming out in me in the last one).
If you’re going to initiate, the first step is NOT telling him “do you wanna?” The first step isgetting in the right frame of mind for sex so that you’re enthusiastic about it, too!
2. DON’T Overthink It
Why don’t we initiate sex? Because often as soon as the thought pops into our heads we talk ourselves out of it.
Do I want to tonight? Well, I don’t know. It is kind of late, and I do need my sleep. And he wasn’t very nice to me tonight. He hardly hugged me when he came home from work. I just feel so distant right now. I can’t make love if we’re distant, can I? Wouldn’t that be deceptive? And what if the kids wake up? And what if….
Turn it off! Seriously. When you get the thought, pounce on it! You’ll be happier later–and you’ll likely sleep better, too!
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